I miss my Grandma so very much. I am named after my Grandma Ellen. Sarah Ellen Ashworth. She currently resides back home in Maryland, is 92 years old and has a heart condition of congestive heart failure (which she has been diagnosed with for many years), and also cardio myopathy (which she also has had for many years). She lives at home with my family and we keep careful watch over her health along with her great doctor’s treatment team. Lately her health has been declining, Grandma refuses to go to the hospital and the doctors think one of the proceedures to shock her heart would be too much for her. It is tearing me apart inside being here in San Diego and unable to see my grandma.

I have been talking too her often since I have lived out here in San Diego. Recent conversations I have tried to remain positive and remind her when I come home in a few weeks that I will cuddle with her like I used to do in her bed, sew various things and projects that she is now unable to do in her condition…and help her in her flower beds. Last week after these conversations my sister said that her demeanor completely changed after speaking with me. It made me cry and wanted to jump a plane right then and there to be with her.

This past weekend I received a phone call from my mother that Grandma was getting worse and that the entire family were coming to visit. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends, Neighbors…implying that I need to get over there ASAP. I only had one thing in mind. I have to go. On the other hand I have so much to do here, work, training, packing… There is so little time. The very next day, she was feeling better. Her health bounces back and forth it seems. But it is hard to tell at this point if it is going to stay the same, get worse, or get better at this point. Before I make any decisions, we will wait and see. There is a possibility still that I will take a couple days of leave.

I selfishly want grandma to stay. I want her to see my children born. I want her in my life longer. But I know that she is frail. Yesterday I went to church and prayed to God to give her strength, and also to give my mother strength. To give me the ability to get through this difficult time. I love my Grandma and I know she has lived a very full life. I see her and want to be with her soon. It is just a matter of how soon. It is a possibility that I might leave for a couple days this week. If that happens, I could be saying my good-byes to a woman who has always loved me unconditionally, never judged me, saw the beauty in me, and believed that I could do anything I put my mind to. I love you Grandma. I love you and please hold on.

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