Today was a difficult day that ended with cuddles, Harry Potter Movie Marathon, and some much needed one on one time with my eldest, Ella. In the later evening, we had great conversation, and I refocused my negative energies into a more hopeful tomorrow.

Lots of running around, errands, eating on the road, and lastly 5pm Mass at St. Catherine’s Church. I was so ecstatic to experience my first mass at the local Catholic Church, and even more so for my children to accompany me. Hazel had a tough time sitting still, and it was boring for her, and she made it about 40 minutes into the mass before having enough. Ella was truly inquisitive about every aspect of the mass, following along in song and prayer. I hope that I can stay consistent in returning there. I felt like I had been gone so long and that it wouldn’t have the same effect. But it did, even though Hazel couldn’t quite hang in there. Maybe with time she will adjust.

After getting upset, for various reasons with the kids, I stopped everything to have some time with Ella. I had finished tucking Hazel in for the night, and Hazel promptly fell asleep ten minutes later. Ella however, was still affected by my yelling. I found her crumbling up drawings that she didn’t think were good enough and sobbing red-faced. I smoothed out a drawing, it was perfect, so detailed and beautifully full with emotion. I asked her if she would let me have the previously crumpled drawing, and to sign it. She half smiled, signed it and gave it to me. Promptly I embraced her, and told her how sorry I was for yelling. She reminded me that she gets enough yelling from this past season’s football coach, her class and teachers. She says at home that she feels good because there is no yelling. At this moment, I attempted to explain that mommy was tired, back hurting, anxious and that I shouldn’t have reacted that way. She said it was ok. But it wasn’t. And I will explain why it is not.

When we spoke of anxiety, and feeling sad or depressed, I asked her how often she feels this way. She responded without doubt, all the time. I said well, some of that runs in the family, but other parts of anxiety and depression are triggered environmentally by the world around us. I held her hand, and said, I will always be here for you, you can always talk to mommy about how you are feeling. She held my hand tighter. We sat quietly, holding hands. I will no longer be silent on this matter. She needs a stronger advocate. She deserves a parent who will act, who will do their best to not only dispel that sadness, but to protect her. I have spoken numerous times to her guidance counselor, to her principal and teachers. I can make sure I am present when she needs to talk about those feelings. I mentioned that her creativity and artistry is a good outlet for whatever you are feeling. Our recent conversation about this subject is one reason I decided to bring back the blog. I vow to protect and do whatever I can to help my daughter through these feelings. She will not suffer in this world as I did.

One day, I wish for a world without pain, hate, or conflict. I hope my daughter continues to look at the world full or potential and hope. For now though, I wish only her and Hazel, to grow up in a world where they are not thought differently either for their own identity, background, race, or beliefs. I have educated my daughters to ask questions, to be respectful, but most importantly to be kind, smile and show others the meaning of love, not judgement. I hope that I can advocate for their own future, especially in terms of these conversations about mental health and emotions. In the meantime, I am trying, I am not a perfect mom by any means. But I am determined, passionate and optimistic in a bette future. There is always hope, never give up on the possible!

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