“The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” -Nelson Mandela
I decided some time ago to start this path of graduate school. For many, this decision might not have such a profound effect. Or at least, not as many trials as I am simply having in the application process. For a masters program in social work, one of the parameters in background check or inquiry into criminal history. I have submitted an honest account of such from 2007 to the Judicial Review admissions board, for review and halting the process until I find out the decision to continue my application.
This ordeal tried to break me down this week. I felt worthless, immediately brought back to a time and place where my mental illness was untreated and had overcome every part of my life. I cried. I felt alone and extremely anxious. My hands were sweaty and shaking as I submitted the supporting court documents saved on my laptop’s hard drive to the review board, along with a brief statement in an email hoping against hope that they understand. It took a couple days, reassurance from my sweet hubby, mom and dad, but I am feeling better. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, to think back to that time when I lived in NC, working at a college and coaching lacrosse. I decompensated, lost my job, struggled, stole and got caught, tried a waitressing job, was fired. I was manic, angry and almost out of control of my own mind. I tried to confront my restaurant manager, was charged with trespassing. Thinking back to the time when I was living from my car, showing all classic signs of mania, panic disorder, and other symptoms…this time, seems so foreign to me and at the same time I felt transported and powerless immediately.
Trauma. I have learned to some extent to manage my various traumatic experiences. Does not mean that it doesn’t still hold weight on my heart. How paralyzing the feeling of being brought to your knees with a word, phrase, or suggestion of the past. I work extremely hard in therapy and in life generally to manage these threats and to get to the point where the traumatic reminders roll off my skin as simply as water.
Now. Here I am, do I wait or proceed. I am a very patient person, but when it comes to my life I do not put it on hold any longer. I will continue with my application as if there were no hang-ups. If this school doesn’t accept me or my past, that is ok. I will weather this storm. I will find the place where I can learn and grow with this path. I have started my statement of purpose generally for this school or the next. They cannot take away my passion. Someone will see what I have to offer, and they will see beyond my illness, beyond my criminal history, and see the light in me that cannot be extinguished.
The Seascapechronicles 