I have had to make the difficult decision to defer my graduate school start till next semester. Many factors led to this decision, mostly due to a defaulted loan that I could not pay in full before registration. I hope to not only have the loan paid by the spring, but also to be mentally and physically more prepared. So after all the hub bub, deadlines and rushing to finalize, here I am waiting yet again.
Regardless of the circumstances before me, I am still optimistic to continue with school in a couple months. To be more focused and prepared and hopefully be in a better position with scholarships and grants for my tuition. I recently found a scholarship specifically for military spouses. I thought to myself, self, you could apply for this….and self listened. As resourceful as I claim to be, I underestimate what is available for myself. Immediately I will do whatever in my power to help others reach whatever resource they may need with some immediacy. Where when it comes to my own focus, it becomes pushed out of my peripheral into a fleeting afterthought.
Today for example, I had a lighter load with work, albeit some staffing meetings for Guardian Ad Litem, a NAMI online presentation. I worked diligently to hurry and catch up on my daughters rooms cleanliness, folded several loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen etc. My clothes are still not put away, and my room compared to Hazels room is sub-par. I don’t know if its the way I’m accustomed to operating as a mother, and putting everything else first. Or if I am subconsciously under-prioritizing my needs.
I will say that this new journey ahead of me is extremely daunting. I feel that I have made the right decision, and wish for the same thing we all do, time. Time to wait, time to regroup and reassess. I hope that this decision pays off. I do not wish to acquire more unnecessary debt if I dont have to. Maybe my work situation will change by then, who knows? I hope to work more hours, get accustomed to a full schedule and then consider throwing in school to the mix. I must also consider my limitations, my mental “disability” and if doing such will make sense. I know one thing that drives me in my passion to work in mental health,. I want to give back in dividends for having the gift of my health and support of others. I am thankful that I have come to this point, where I can live a successful life, doing what I have always strived to do. To pay it forward, to help others see that early intervention is the most successful form of treatment of mental illness. So that no one would have to suffer nearly to the depths I did. So for now, I will do less hurrying, more waiting and allow my future to unfold step by step.
Finally, here is my youngest. Dancing to her own beat. She has no formal dance training, just loves to dance. Her perspective is so infectious and her bright sunshine smile always brightens my day. Take a note from Hazel Basil, dance as if no one is watching, without a care in the word, and take on the day.
The Seascapechronicles 