I continue to struggle as Monday August 29 marks two weeks of interrupted sleep patterns. Two days in from a recent cpap level adjustment, it is still very difficult to continue to sleep past the threshold of 4 hours of sleep using the machine. I continue to awake today at the lovely hour of 230pm. My psychiatrist has also recently prescribed a new sleep aid that is non-habit forming. I should be receiving the samples by mail this week. In the meantime, I am using my anti-anxiety medicine in small doses nightly to assist in falling asleep with the mask on. A few hours elapse, and I am inexplicably awoken from a dead sleep WITH the sleep therapy fan going. I believe that it is working, but due to my mental health state I cannot go back to sleep. I strap the mask back around my head and over my mouth and do my best to breathe normally. While I look at the ceiling and listen to the harmonizing sounds of the dog and husband snoring hoping to fall back asleep, my heart begins to beat faster, I tear up in frustration. I am wide awake and there is nothing I can do. As soon as I write this, I will put on an audio book, and attempt to get another hour or so of rest on my reading chair. Today I am finishing up a weekend training for NAMI support group facilitators virtually. After this I had been dreading the week ahead with general responsibilities of work, home and other responsibilities.

I received a call from my supervisor late last week, in the midst of several appointments to scramble and manage my health. She called out of general concern, to allow me the week off this week, so that I can focus on what I need to, to get well. I felt an enormous amount of weight off my shoulders. I felt supported and have been extremely grateful for the ongoing reassurance from the local NAMI affiliate where I am employed. Last week, my symptoms of lack of sleep and heightened anxiety were pervading at work. I tried my best to push through the symptoms, and nearly crashed by the end of the week. With my supervisors concern I feel supported, but also understand the gravity of my current situation.

I intend to do whatever possible to lighten my load and keep my schedule clear this week, as I attempt to focus on myself and my health. I must find a way to sleep with the machine for longer durations of time, and also work harder to stay asleep. I will do whatever needed to make this work. The support around me from work, family, and friends has already alleviated my symptoms to some degree. I have admittedly been alittle irritable, having slight glimpses here and there of intrusive thoughts, and paranoia. I am doing what I can to manage with the med adjustments the psychiatrist made last week. In the meantime, I will rest. I fear if I keep on this path, with the heightened anxiety, that hypomania is beginning to seep in. Some of these factors are outside my control, yet I continue to stay vigilant and proactive.

To everyone who has checked in on me, and offered support. I am so very thankful for your support. Living with Bipolar One disorder is not always an easy road, and when my sleep is out the window, I struggle and can easily break down. The memories of this time of year ten years ago, (my last severe series of episodes) after Ella was born, is historically difficult for me. In one way or another every year this time I struggle. The trauma of that time I know how to manage now, along with various other types of trauma in my life that I have overcome and survived. That doesn’t mean that it is still doesn’t affect me to a certain point. Traumatic events of my life I have kept at bay or dealt with nonchalantly or suppressed. As many do. Now I am grateful that I have an amazing Licensed Trauma Therapist, who is also aware of my current struggles. She is working to get me in during my “self-care” and regrouping week. Working with her has been so amazing and a blessing. I have learned various skills to handle my traumas, to manage and regulate my emotions. And maybe on my own I have done the work as well. Given the current state of things. I am maintaining, and generally feeling relief as I am hopeful that I can overcome and manage these symptoms without needing in patient hospitalization. I plan on reaching out to a local IOP (Intensive Out Patient) to see if I can take advantage of a program.

In the meantime, I am sleepless in Orange Park, but hopeful that changes are on the horizon. Hubby and the kiddos are being equally supportive and understanding. Although Jason continues to say helpfully, “just go to sleep”, Oh dear husband, easier said than done. But for this morning, I will rest. And rest some more. In hopes of a day other than the scheduled training, that I can have little on my agenda and for the week ahead. I will not give up hope, that I can get through this, after all with all my traumas combined….this is a piece of cake.

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