As the Beatles sing in Dear Prudence, Look around, Dear Prudence. let me see you smile…won’t you come out to play. Greet the brand new day. The sun is up, the sky is blue its beautiful and so are you.

I am doing my best to live in the moment, take small steps toward recovery. Slow my mind. I am taking more time to reflect on simple things. Like the sky, my environment. Seeing the beauty around me. I have always been crap at practicing mindfulness. Always blew off meditation and the like. Thinking that I was above such practices. I knew what I had to do. It has been extremely humbling to see that I can still easily break with too many stressors piling on. I know this song well, and all Beatles songs. Usually I use this song as a tool to pull myself out of a deep depression. But this time, I am not depressed. At least not yet. So I am pausing more, resting, and observing. Opening my eyes to the complexities and simplistic phases of my struggle. Today I sat and watched the storms roll in, and took deep breaths. Reflecting on the calming rain as I lowered my anxiety levels.

As I paused and sat in a semi-meditative state I thought of some of my fondest memories. When my dad in the nineties introduced me to some great music. Namely the Beatles, The Who, The Rolling Stones. I would sit in the front seat and listen intently to the music as we drove around or on a road trip to some destination. I loved Abbey Road and White Albums the most by the Beatles. I would listen, look out the window and put my hand out the window as the wind broke over it. I was carefree then as a teenager. I loved to spend time with my Dad. I look up to him. He is the smartest man I know. I always aspired to be like my dad. Those days driving around with my dad are fond memories. Back then, life was easy of course. But more importantly, I would spend time reflecting then. I would get lost in music or a book of choice. I went to a handful of parties in high school. Always opting to stay home where I could get lost in the pages of a story. I was a homebody. When I went to college everything changed. I did not know anything about the world. I had no boundaries, I was a people pleaser. I became an easy target.

I think in general one reason I am not ok to this day about mindfulness, besides being dismissive of such, is my inability to be ok alone. My innate reaction to my traumas. I cannot fathom spending time in my head because it is so painful. I suppressed and ignored for years. I mentioned in a previous post the general trauma of the current time of the year, and generally memories that I have not processed. Even with the multitude of thunder storms hitting daily in Northeast FL, just storms is enough to set me off. It reminds me of my breaks after college at the onset of BP1 and after that five years later when Ella was born. Hurricane season is triggering! It is amazing how these memories shift in our brains. So I sat meditating watching the storm today. I was calm, I was breathing deeply, I observed and heard the rain. I didn’t have a negative thought at all. I hope this is an indication of improvement. Of progress.

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