I took a major step backward yesterday. I pushed myself too hard the last couple days. I trained as an lacrosse official, too many obligations in general scheduled…and then yesterday occurred. It was a mix of lack of sleep from the night before (maybe 3 hours), trying to do IOP and work simultaneously, more work in the afternoon, and also worked out pretty hard that morning. By night time it was difficult to quiet my mind while I my body was extremely exhausted. This feeling is a horrible thing. I layed in bed, tearing up alittle in frustration. I pleaded with myself and prayed to sleep. Finally relaxed enough and did. I slept from around 830pm-4am. I wondered to myself, why can’t I be patience with myself? I am so amazingly patient with others…why can’t I do the same with my own body and mind?
The answer is I have zero tolerance now for these symptoms. Yet I managed to get through the day without spinning to far upward. I accomplished basic tasks and went right to sleep when the opportunity arose. I can honestly say as much as I try to be an mental health advocate for others, and myself, I was too embarrassed of my backwards step that I quietly masked them. I want to progress, but I can’t be in the moment, or manage as much as I thought I could. Admittedly it was so serious, if I wasn’t able to get to sleep…there could have been major problems. I am trying now the rest of today, to be patient with myself, and giving myself a break. If I can’t manage something, I will ask for help. If work or any tasks become too much, I will give myself peace and conquer it later when I am up for it. Hiding from your symptoms and treatment I highly do NOT recommend. It was one of the toughest couple days I have had recently. When your reasonable or logical side says no, take that into consideration.
My anxiety and depression have been nearly non-existent I think from the general busy-ness. Doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced others: over-productivity>racing thoughts>inability to sleep>decompensation. I know that it is generally okay to take a step back in general. For me? Not acceptable. I will work on this in IOP today. And make sure I am honest with how I am feeling. I slept for 6 1/2 hours last night. It was one of my better nights, maybe in part because I literally exhausted myself. I am feeling more open today, more patient, and grateful that I am in this state now. Thinking of the line from Guns N’ Roses…said woman take it slow it’ll work itself out fine..all we need now is a little patience. Said sugar make it slow and we’ll come together fine. All we need is just a little patience.
I cannot speed up the time, I cannot control my external factors. I can work harder to be in the moment, to be thankful I am managing enough, and take it one step at a time. I can learn to be patient with myself. Yet, this will come only with progression of time. I cannot solve all these issues today. But I promise everyone that I am working on it, and thank you for all of your support and concern. Today I will do as little as possible and focus on improvement slowly.
The Seascapechronicles 