I have recently with getting more and more restful sleep have naturally awoken early in the morning. Historically in the mornings, I have always been a morning person rather than a night owl. When I was young at the first sound of activity, I would get so excited to wake up and spend time with my dad. I would read parts of the newspaper with him, and my favorite morning show, Bill Nye the Science Guy. I always enjoyed that peace and especially spending the mornings with my father growing up.
Now, it is a little different of course. Twenty five years or so have passed since I was that young bright eyed bushy tailed adolescent. This morning of course, my thoughts a little jumbled, a little anxiety. Twenty five years ago, I might have struggled with depression and general anxieties. It wasn’t talked about. It wouldn’t be till college, that my depressive episodes grew stronger and more forceful, after experiencing various traumas in college. As I moved into Senior year of college, my moods were mixed, reflecting now they were out of control, cycling day to day at times. I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope. By mid 2006, I was given a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features. So over the years with two severe bouts of psychosis/breaks in 2007/2012, my brain changed. My brain altered itself and I worsened in some ways. Mostly due to my perceived and structural stigma back then surrounding mental illness. Not to say stigma no longer exists, but at least the conversation is becoming more realistic. As a result of those major breaks, and the recent more minor break I experienced… I have to accept that my brain no longer functions the same way. I have always been as proactive as possible. But that does not change the fact that with each break the brain is more and more damaged over time.
So back to my safe space, my mornings. It is peaceful, I know I am safe, I am learning to be okay and gentle with myself, even if people carry opinions about me being awake at 5am. “Oh Sarah, you need to do this, you need to sleep, you need to go back to bed.” As if warning me about what might happen if I dont. I fell asleep early last night by 9pm, and awoke at 4am. To me that is a pretty good amount of rest.
Someone will always have their own opinions about what or what I should be doing. I will listen sometimes, but also I do know my body and mind pretty well. I can choose to take advice or not. Now that I have more gratitude and clarity since my latest bout or “cycle” I can reflect and work on myself slowly. First up, I will institute healthy boundaries with family and friends. I cannot allow opinions to affect me in the same way as in the past. I can make the decision to respond, react calmly, and provide the barrier necessart. Second, I will love the person I am and have become. Even though my brain is altered, I am blessed that I am alive, thankful that I have not lost my ability to think clearly and have insight and reflect. I have not lost my memory. My memory is nearly impeccable. Even during my severe breaks I can piece together memories with the help of family. I still am able to read and write clearly. This might be the thing that I am the most grateful for. Creativity, I still have some inkling of this, even with the ebs and flows of my moods, or hoping to be moving towards stability.
Finally, I will make sure to keep these early morning routines. Hopefully as I move towards graduate school in the spring 2023. Even if I have to defer longer, I accept that. My physical and mental health is my priority, everything falls in line after that. If anyone has anything to say, just bring it on, I can handle it. I will use these boundaries as needed to protect myself. If it is not welcome or not helping, I will let you know, in a kind way. These early mornings are my time, my space to be okay by myself. Today later on, I have IOP (Intensive Out Patient) starting at 9am. I will go for a short walk soon, with the dog (Chloe Monster). Now for the last tidbit, if my behavior or feelings affected anyone over the past few weeks. I sincerely apologize, as I was going through the shit, so to speak. Thank you for all who have supported me and kept me going through this time. Countless times when I cycled I lost jobs, treasured friendships, lifestyles, homes. I promise you this time I am going to come out of this being a better version of myself. Just don’t bother me during my precious mornings of peace! LOL
The Seascapechronicles 