Silence

Lately I have felt increasingly helpless. As much as I try. As hard as I may want things to be different. I cannot change others. Deep down I know this. I can only make an impact to some degree. Especially when it comes to choices others in my life may chose. I can only help myself. Yearning for these changes yet….here I am helpless. I was told today, by someone I love that I can change my outcome. This is true. I can. I want them to accept help. But I cannot force it either. This person said, if I don’t like it I can change it. I want more than anything to change it. The words though do not come from a place of love in my mind. They are hurtful. Destructive. Quieting… dulling and dare I say borderline gaslit with flames. I felt that I was standing in front of this person with a rope asking them to catch it. And that rope dropped further down, away…

I have to ask myself how does this impact me? My mental health? I feel swept under the rug. At what price do I pay. Where will I be if I don’t work on speaking my mind. I advocate so diligently for others. For the mentally ill, disabled, the children that cannot speak their voice. For those I love dearly. For my children and my family. Where is my voice? I feel silenced. I am not fearful, yet I drift and shy away. I have a voice. I have emotions. I am hurt.

If nothing were to change. Where does that leave me. I want more than anything to help. But I do not fully understand how. I have to help myself. That is the only logical answer. I must try harder, if I cannot help this person. I do not give up on them. I must help myself by not shutting down. To show that I love myself enough to recognize my own needs. I protect my own mental health with a supersonic force field. Not letting anything or anyone sacrifice it. The walls are wearing down and subconsciously I am hyper vigilant to rebuild that wall. I know that nothing and no one can break it down. I allowed it to be fractured. My anxiety is high but I am working around the clock to protect my health at any cost. If that barrier comes down, everything comes crashing cataclysmically. I am maintaining, but for how long I am unsure. In the meantime. I can only reach out for support. Today I went to a NAMI support group meeting. Saturday I will go to another meeting. I checked in with a friend. My meds are working. I wrote. I wrote more. I will not be silenced and I will not shy away from others any longer. I can and I will continue to make a difference. I can help myself grow stronger. I can help my girls, my husband. But only. If only. I stand up and use my voice. I refuse to go quietly into the night. I will be strong, carry on and be the sexy beast I believe myself to be.