Often times when I reflect on myself, it is struggle to identify the cause of continuous negative sense of self worth. With any analysis, the first instinct or reaction is to naturally say what or how did this happen? What changed, what caused this event or series of chain reactions? Our investigatory nature feeds on these questions. It is part of our humanity. I sit in reflection today for many reasons, but mostly to check in with my heart and soul more consciously and regularly. I struggle still. Even with all of my awareness and proactive approach to my life and changes in my life.
Lately I have sought support from a couple of close friends and family. They have been incredibly helpful, but I still struggle to identify how and why I am still struggling with my self-worth. My personality is a little too easy going, goofy, honest, gullible, people pleasing, desire to help others. While these can be positives, they also whack me in the face. I believe that some of these personality traits stems from my life experiences, good and bad. And further, from my inability to see my value. My inability to accept that I am strong. That those negative thoughts of self talk do not have to consume me.
I will tell a short story from my past. I was in my mid 20s. I experienced the lowest of lows in terms of my brain disorder, bipolar disorder. As a result of my heightening mania at the time, I revolved in an out of hospitals in the summer of 2007. Including one stint on the telemetry unit for 3 weeks with heart monitoring, after overdosing on one of my medications during a mixed episode. After beginning the recovery process and accepting treatment, it took me a very long time to recover that sense of self. YEARS. I felt guilt, shame, embarrassment. I felt shunned for my illness. I was stigmatized and marginalized both externally in my environment and internally aiming at myself. Over the years I slowly recovered to some degree. I found NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and later met Jason in early 2009. Bipolar disorder is a roller coaster that you constantly try to get off of at the amusement park. There is no end, there is no cure. Treatment works. And usually helps me. Since 2007, nearly 17 years from my first mental health inpatient hospitalization…I have had only one other time I required hospitalization, and that was after Ella was born in 2012. I consider myself extremely lucky and grateful that I am able to function mostly with the help of treatment. However, my self worth is absolute shit and always has been.
Some have told me over the years that they are proud of me or that I am strong. Some have said that I am Wonder Woman, their hero, their inspiration. I get a knot in my stomach, unable to fathom or comprehend what they are saying and struggle to get a thank you from my mouth, turning red or questioning the validity of their statements. This is no longer acceptable to me. I cant say it will change over night. I want to work harder on accepting that I am strong, a SEXY BEAST! Without this belief in myself, I could potentially continue to not heal or progress to some degree. I am going to identify those parts of myself. Here is the start to that. I will value SG enough to say NO, to accept my strengths, to voice what bothers me in a kind way, and finally, to no longer accept the status quo. Some think I am silly or funny, which may be so. I will embrace these parts of myself that are still uncomfortable to me, check in with myself more frequently, put myself and my own needs first, and treat myself with the utmost respect.
The Seascapechronicles 