This is the title of one of my favorite songs, by Norah Jones. Years ago, I would sing it as a lullaby to Ella as I rocked her to sleep. It is about searching for a sign in the sky, for a sign to shine down. Searching for the evasive Lonestar. I think about this song tonight as I am sleepless in Jacksonville, staring into the heavens. (As an aside, not to worry readers, I am ok. I am managing insomnia tonight and this believe it or not is extremely therapeutic.)

The Lonestar. I do not always find the answer. Correction. I never find or can pinpoint what it is I am searching for in the sky. I gaze at the night sky and try my best to keep my anxiety at a minimum and focus on a small step, like breathing or drinking my cold water. I close my eyes and take a few more deep breaths. Sometimes I get the idea that others think that I am fixable. For mental health disorders, there is no cure. One can manage, or try to manage. I am doing my best to get well. This morning that happens to include an earlier morning. I am at peace with that. Searching for answers. Searching for the something. This search is exhausting. What I know is that at least gazing at the starts in comforting, hoping against hope that something will appear as a sign of positivity. Maybe that is what Norah is conveying in her song.

A lullaby. I sang this song as a form of comfort to Ella as a baby. I sing songs to myself for security. For safety. For my own comfort as well. Lullaby’s are calming in nature, and not that it is lulling me to sleep. It is a reminder to calm the mind. Just as I taught Ella nearly unintentionally years ago as I held her close and watched her fall to sleep in my arms every night. The song is a form of comfort to me of course, but what is the sign? I may never know exactly. I do know that whatever the sign may be I am here for it. I might be searching for the wrong thing. What I hope to remind myself in the moment…is to soothe myself. Remember the calming ability of the song. And to recognize that perhaps what I am looking for, is here within myself. To believe that I can not only self-soothe, but that the signs point to my own strength. I do not need to go searching. I have everything here I need or want. Remember your courage Sarah Ellen, remember that you are your own Lonestar.

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