What it means to me to be a mom. It is the most rewarding, gut-wrenching, anxiety-ridden, and soul changing experience that i have come to love. My girls. Ella and Hazel. Made me in part who I am today. Their love, their sweet words, can pierce my deepest sorrow on a dark day. Their eyes, I stare into them and get lost in my own head. I love these girls so damn much. Part of me hurts when they do. Our lives intricately intertwined. Hearing about the most mundane thing of their day is the best part of mine. Seeing the excitement on their faces recently when I returned home from the hospital, was the best feeling that is still with me today, on Mother’s Day.

Ella. Ella made me a mom 10+ years ago. That first moment I knew she was there, I could barely breathe. I carried her for months in the womb, sang songs to her. When she arrived I was so happy. My happiness then was shortlived as I headed into a horrible psychosis soon after delivering Ella in August 2012. Jason and everyone banded together to take care of Ella when I was hospitalized. I came home around November 2012, not completely healed, but well enough to come home. I remember those nights when Ella wouldn’t sleep. She was a terrible sleeper. The only way I could get her to calm was by holding her…and holding her. Singing to her, for at least an hour every night. For her to nap, I sat and held her close. Faithfully every day. She grew out of the sleep issues, and grew up. FAST. I was such a nervous mom at first, nervous I would do this or that wrong. But nevertheless, I was there. I was able to stay home with her during her younger years, and spend every moment with her. Ella is like me in many ways. Socialable. Anxious. Confident. Loveable. Calculated yet a Risk Taker. She is my world and I love you Ella always.

Hazel. Hazel was born in 2016. After learning with Ella, I made sure I did everything perfectly with my healthcare with Hazel. I had a treatment team, monitoring my meds and therapy the entire pregnancy. As soon as Hazel was born, they switched my meds back to the previous pre baby psych meds. I did well. I carefully worked hard to do what I needed to do with her. I walked every day with her in my carrier. I lost a lot I mean a lot of weight. Hazel was the chillest baby I had ever seen. She slept, and ate, Slept some more and ate some more. When she started moving around, she was gone. In an instant it seemed. She was always on the move, always inquisitive about nature, bugs, and loved to get dirty. She had the biggest chubby cheeks and looked like a little pixie with a ton of hair on her head. With Hazel, I did not dream it possible for a mother’s heart to grow anymore. But it did, doubling to make room for her. Hazel is a carefree love child, who lights up a room with her positivity and sweet disposition. She says what’s on her mind every time. Hazel I love her to infinity and beyond, Hazel and Ella are my moon, star and heavens.

So to me being a mom, isn’t about sacrifices….it isn’t about how great your children are. To me being a mom is recognizing that all the dedication, all the time, will be gone before you know it…so to take the good with the bad, be thankful for the present and enjoy the way life leads. I will always be a mom, but I will not always be here in this world for them. I hope they know how much I love them and how I treasure being their mom.

• Uncategorized