I diligently try with every ounce of my being to be mindful. To be attune to my own needs and aware of my surroundings. Last night I facilitated a NAMI support group meeting, not unusual for a Tuesday night. Prior to the meeting I sat through hours of court proceedings in my work role. After the day I was completely drained. Couldn’t wait to get to bed. I finally drifted off later than my usual 9pm bedtime, around 1030pm. Here it is 3:40am and I lie awake. It is the third consecutive night of some disrupted sleep. While I did make some minor errors one night with a late night coffee and over stimulation, nothing is out of the ordinary. Some stress, but manageable stress. I am taking my meds as prescribed. I am attempting to be proactive considering the lack of quality sleep. Even using the assistance of my prescribed anti-anxiety medication to assist in getting to sleep. After the surgery I was admittedly feeling situationally depressed having to rest and my physical limitations. Now it seems that my mood has shifted the other direction. Not to alarm everyone by any means. The only symptom I am displaying at this point is lack of general rest and disrupted sleep. I have a healthy appetite, my thoughts are concise and clear. Anxiety tends to rear its ugly head when I have this tension and sleep disruption. Which is incredibly inconvenient. I start to worry unnecessarily. Panic. Coincidently, the module we are working on for my MSW coursework this week, is diagnosing Bipolar disorder and related disorders for our case assessment and diagnosis. Perfect. I think to myself. How very demure, and mindful of my professor, Dr. J she refers to herself.
The point of this post. Is that having a severe mental illness, while at the same time maintaining functionality it is difficult to say it minimally. I am mindful, I am currently practicing self care at nearly 4am with a heated blanket, some calming music and annotating these struggles here. I advocate for myself. I do everything to a T. I try to maintain healthy boundaries. Take my meds, take care of my family, care of myself. I am very mindful and hyper vigilant when I suspect the first sign of a symptom, especially hypomanic symptoms. Also, I don’t pretend to have all the answers nor expect to raise any alarm or concern. This is what I struggle with and have for most of my life. All I can do at this point is schedule a sooner appointment with my psychiatrist, try to rest when I have the opportunity and do my best to get back on track. Did I mention there’s a hurricane coming? LOL.
I am thankful for all of those who support me and cheer me on. It does keep me going in moments like this. Jason and the girls especially have been so sweet and helpful while I recovered from surgery. Now 4 weeks out from the surgery date I am feeling more myself. The last thing I want is to derail any progress I’ve gained in the interim. I am hopeful to catch up on sleep later this week and weekend. In the meantime, I will keep doing my best to maintain my Sexy Beast status. As a dear friend told me recently, and I try to believe it. “If anyone can do this, it’s you.” -anonymous.
The Seascapechronicles 