I had a long exhausting day. To anyone concerned, we fared just fine after hurricane Milton. The storm passed south of us and we only had some moderately high wind gusts. My post is concerning a long work day. Where I had exhausted every option attempting to help.

As I lay here attempting finally fall asleep after an arduous day. I realized. We can only help ourselves and accept help if we are willing. There is no way around that as frustrating as it may be. I worked today from 10 am until midnight looking for ways to assist someone getting to where they need to be. It dawned on me much later than anticipated that they didn’t want support. This individual wants to live their life on their own accord. and that’s ok.

Many years ago as a young adult, I was the same way. I thought I knew it all. Little did I know that my world came crashing around me. There was nowhere safe for me to turn. I went all those years ago to an emergency room. The first time ever that I was hospitalized and admitted to a facility. I was scared. I was alone. I was also not ready to get the help I needed.

In 2007, I was in a revolving door of jail and hospitalizations. Never knowing when I would get off that carousel. The unknown scared me. My family helped me and got me back to Maryland where I continued to rotate in and out of psych units at various hospitals. I tried a slew of medications that weren’t working. I was ready to throw in the towel. Then I overdosed on my prescribed medication during a manic episode. Spent 3 weeks on the telemetry heart unit. That was my first glimmer of acceptance. Realizing that I was not confined by these walls. At the age of 23 I began to understand that I needed to get back on the proverbial horse. I had somehow already completed my degree in history at SMCM in December 2006, but even still accepting the help was difficult after all of this that occurred.

I guess you can say that I built a wall so impenetrable that I couldn’t break it down. I had to break down the wall I had assembled. I need to accept that others only wanted to help get me back on my feet. This was one of the hardest lessons to swallow. I did it though, maybe not so gracefully or punctually.

Seeing what occurred earlier when I fought with every ounce of my energy to help this person. To see that no Sarah. They are not ready. Only took me all day to see that they are not ready to demolish that wall that they’ve built. They are still confined and they aren’t ready to accept the help they so desperately need, breaks my heart. I know I did as much as humanly possible. And I am at peace with that. I know there are limitations to what I can do and that while I’m no longer confined by my walls. Others may very well be.

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