Hazel had a spring chorus concert today at her elementary school. It was super sweet to hear their little voices and see the effort they put into rehearsals. Hazel stood out, projecting and singing so clearly that at times her voice was the only recognizable sound. We got home and reminisced about the many performances we’ve seen over the years.
Quickly, Ella reminded me that I was absent from her elementary school chorus performance two years ago. That spring, late April and early May of 2023, when it was time for this performance of hers, I couldn’t go due to being hospitalized. My mental health had quickly deteriorated from a cycle of mania, into psychosis at that time. I remember fighting so hard to get ahead of it, but it became outside of my control. My maintenance meds for my mental health couldn’t barely make a dent. I remember wanting to be there so badly for Ella’s performance. Once I was in the hospital and being treated for psychosis, I was determined to get better quickly. I got out within a week’s time, which for me might’ve been some sort of record, especially maintaining the stability in the recovery process. I went back to work the next week and resumed all other normal roles and activities.
What she sees and remembers is different. That I wasn’t there. Jason reminded her of the countless performances, award ceremonies, graduations, sporting events that I took her to solo, with baby hazel in tow, when he was away with work or deployments. That is harder for her to remember as easily, but perhaps what she knows, is that I was always there. Nowadays, I have missed a couple track meets or flag football games, maybe because of work schedule here or there. It remains. What she sees and remembers, what they both see matters. I try to remember that. All I can do as a parent, is try to be there for the things that are important, make the time and effort to understand it’s not just about making it to the spring chorus concert. It’s about what they recall and what they view as the core memories of their sweet little lives.
To my dear Ella and Hazel, should you ever read this. You both are the light of my life. You make every single day in this world more peaceful and bright. When I see you smile, my heart skips with joy and the world around us slows down with your embrace. Thank you for making me your mother, I am always so proud of everything you do. I love you my angel girls.
The Seascapechronicles 