A self proclaimed mental health advocate, director of programming at a local mental health non profit, mother of two elementary age girls, volunteer child advocate for Guardian Ad Litem, Navy spouse and former ombudsman, lover of everything history and literature, researcher, blogger, and writer. These are titles I would have never dreamed for myself 10 years ago. I have vast experience with leading volunteers, coordinating and scheduling, outreach and education on mental health issues. I have always been available generally as needed. As a resource, a friend, someone to lean against, someone who would lift you up. I have excellent communication skills, I am self aware of my symptoms and general knowledge of my warning signs for danger. I am a leader, an example. I am an inspiration to some, a role model. I am proactive, I know the system and I know how to ask for help. What went wrong? How did this come about? The obvious culprit is the damn c-pap machine. I was admittedly seeing minor symptoms even before my sleep was disrupted. Being pulled in different directions, instructed to manage this, or knowing to step in and handle something at home. I was not managing life well even before my sleep went out the window two weeks ago.

The answer is one simple explanation, for those of you who do not know how severe mental illnesses present themselves. It is different from one person to another. The answer….recovery is not a linear process. One can live in “remission’ from any physical health issues or mental health issue. There is no cure. Recovery to me is hard work, it is constantly being vigilant, doing what one must to stay well with their various supports, treatment team and coping skills. I live with BP one disorder, and my recovery process can change over time, depending on environmental factors, significant life changes, and my own determination to fight back. I have been living with my physical and mental ailments for some time, most of my adult life. I am no expert. Although I pretend to be at times. Recovery instead is a cyclical process. And I am trying with every ounce of my being to not circle the drain into an abyss of mania and psychosis. Here are the facts, I need help. I enrolled today in an IOP (intensive out patient) treatment facility. All of these titles and skills that I possess. I might as well chuck them out the window. For now, I am a patient that is in need of intensive services. I must humbly know that I am the same as anyone else in this position when I start my first session online tomorrow. The sessions are weekly for a couple hours a day. I must go to a minimum of three groups a week, for several weeks. This time to focus on my wellness will pay dividends in my future ability to cope with Bipolar or manic symptoms.

I must humbly accept that despite my knowledge, I am in desperate need for a renovation of my mind. Also I met with my amazing Trauma therapist this afternoon. We discussed the time of year, and how that affects me still, to this day. Trauma is a strange and mysterious beast. It will come to you out of nowhere and seize your thoughts. We discussed revisiting more EMDR treatment at our next appointment. I must also admit that I have many flaws, most notoriously my inability to be alone, due to my history of trauma. I will call a friend, anyone…looking for support. Subconsciously I cannot stop and step back, and be content with just myself. I must give myself positive reinforcement instead of immediately searching for it. To conclude, I have so so much work to do. And I intend to soak it all up. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and more cognizant of my limits. I do not put these skills into practice. Therefore I can easily be a target. I am hopeful to get a lot of this treatment ahead. And to be able to say more comfortably, it is ok to not be ok. I will release toxicity, and keep positivity around. Enforce my boundaries, and I will be mindful of myself. To future me, you will learn how to say no, how to not support everyone else but yourself, and finally become that Sexy beast I know you have inside.

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