Man I love that book. I love Dickens in general and identify with dichotomies so well living with bipolar disorder. Today was one of those days that on any other occasion of having symptoms, would’ve sent me through the roof. I maintained, I performed, I rose to the challenge. I used every coping skill I have to survive the day. Today I was a hot mess inside, but kept it together. I have come a long way admittedly. I even resisted temptation to have conversation with strangers. I am surviving and it is going to take time to get through this and improve. Small steps of progress were achieved today, as I did not lose my shit, despite heightened anxiety and chronic pain throughout the day.

Early this morning I awoke the girls, at 6am so they would have plenty of time to prepare for school. We did our usual morning routine of singing the “Good Morning” song from Singing in the Rain while I simultaneously stretch their legs in unison to the rhythm of the music. They got moving a few minutes later, I got a shower and dressed, even had time to apply makeup. Knowing I had a zoom appointment with OT at 7:15am with Mayo Clinic, I intentionally got us prepared and sat in the waiting room on time. I waited and waited. Somehow 7:40am came and the meeting still didn’t start. Now I was in a dilemma, because I get the kids to school at 7:45 so Ella can do her safety patrol monitoring. I rush them out the door, so I can start the meeting from my car on my IPad. While I’m rushing to get in the car and frustratingly yelling at the kids to get in the car, the OT opens the meeting. Immediately I was taken aback, almost forgetting I was in the waiting room for the appointment. We continue the appt as I drive them to school while Ella holds the IPad. I tell the girls goodbye and finish up the appt form the school parking lot. Suddenly a man blares his horn at me, I look over and quizzically wondering why I am being honked at while I am parked. I rolled down my window (yes my car is that old school) and nice Asian man speaking broken English is trying to tell me that my tire is flat. I thank him and panicked a little, still in the zoom appt. By this time the OT probably thought I have completely lost my mind.

So my irrational response to hearing what he said after I finish the appt is to carefully haul ass to the jiffy lube. I arrive there, with 20 minutes to spare until my Zoom IOP group starts. Luckily I have my IPad with me. They come over and quickly service my car as they inspect and I sit and wait. Suddenly it dawned on me that I do not have the codes on me to join the IOP session. I call frantically several times to wekiva IOP trying to find someone to answer and provide the meeting information I need. I finally obtain the meeting codes and join the zoom mtg, Intermittently, they finish up with my car and inform me that my tire wasn’t flat but low on air. They also did an oil change and i was grateful for the speedy service. I could have waited, but I responded completely emotionally. Right now, I do not have the ability to react very logically. It is difficult to make decisions in general at the moment. So by this time, I am on the meeting for my VERY FIRST IOP session, the only one in a vehicle, and turn off my camera and listen as I drive home.

The first session of IOP was extremely frustrating at first, as I saw everyone check in with their anxiety and depression levels. I waited and waited. My anxiety was probably a 5 at the moment and 0 depression. Everyone else was very lethargic “sad pandas” jason calls ppl like that, or people very depressed. One thing to keep in mind as a side note, a lot of the ppl who enroll in IOP are just recently released from in patient hospitalization, recovering from intensive treatment and observation, usually also highly dosed with antipsychotics or anti depressants. Knowing this, I just wanted to hug all of them and tell them that its ok, it will get better. This being my first day I tried to remember to be patient, and share honestly. When it was finally about my turn, there was a woman before me, lets call her Miss N. Miss N shared how she has historically had a mouth on her, and was always ready for a fight. She also said now she has been vigilant in saying NO, knowing her boundaries, and never sacrificing herself for someone else. She said her grandmother instilled in her, that she is a queen, and no queen has ever been walked all over. It was my turn now. I said I was the complete opposite of Miss N. That in general I help others first, forgetting about my own self-care. I am a YES woman, and don’t establish healthy boundaries. I recognized in this meeting how much work I have to do. I swallowed my words and grew more anxious as the day progressed.

Jason and I then went out to lunch and it was lovely. We had great conversation, and ate gator tail for an appetizer, along with some sandwiches. After we got home, I offered to pick up the kids, but left a little early to pick up a much needed medication refill of my anti anxiety medicine. I went to Walgreens, and did my thing. As soon as I stepped outside a huge thunderstorm hit directly over the pharmacy. I raced to my car and got soaked. Then rushed to the girls school for pickup. Because of the severity of lightning strikes and general heavy rain they were not releasing the kids. I sat in the storm in my vehicle for a good 45 minutes. Finally returned home, and had about an hour and a half to myself. I was so anxious and hurting from the pain that I sat out in the garage almost that entire time watching the rain trying to take deep breaths.

Finally at 7pm, I left for a meeting at the local Catholic Church. It was an RCIA meeting. I was still tense and in pain. There was a large group there, and I shared a little about me and my history with the faith. Everyone was extremely kind, I started to relax. Having something to hone in on, something that I was not excited about due to having such a interesting day, turned out to be the best thing that happened. I felt immediately part of the group, some gave me amazing information. The director there discussed with me after the meeting my hope to get our marriage blessed, and soon after the kids baptized. I’m alittle behind the curve I know. Even better was coming home more relaxed, telling Jason about the meeting, and him agreeing to take part. I am so relieved, I think this church will be a great community to get involved. I am hopeful, relieved and generally now less symptomatic as I prepare for sleep.

Now I type and starting to get drowsy from my sleep medicine. I hope to get a good nights sleep and continue my very small streak of a good sleep pattern. I am exhausted from the silly day. I know one thing, I am relaxing tomorrow. I am not scheduling a thing. I will rest and rest some more. I’m grateful for all the support from friends and family, and so relieved that there’s a good chance I will not require in patient hospitalization. Thank you to all for checking in on me in various ways. It means more to me than you’ll ever know. So for now, signing off, hopefully sleeping soon and no I will not have a repeat of such a difficult day.

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