Self- worth, self-love, and self-respect. Somehow those words have escaped me. For 20 years my bestie would tease me that I am a chameleon, a pleaser, a shape-shifter or yes-woman. I don’t think I ever fully understood what she meant until my recent troubles. I admit that I lacked the insight to see that I had very little love for myself. That I constantly looked for validation others. I was not okay even being on my own, or comfortable as my own person or identity. For my entire life I have said yes ok, sure. For my early young adult hood, this led to complicated situations. I might not have had it together then, but I sure as shit will soon. So stay tuned.

I have one thing now that I lacked before. Awareness and insight. I am in tune more with my body and mind. Before when I had major or minor breaks, it would take me years to rebuild my self-confidence. Or I beat myself down even more quite possibly. The fact that I have been able to come out of it on my own, with outpatient treatment, freaks me out alittle in a way, but in another I am very proud of myself. I want to establish healthier boundaries. That goes for almost every relationship I am dedicated to. I want to do better so badly, that some might be slightly affected in the process. That is okay by me. Now, this time I will protect myself, find out what I want, be my own person. I plan to start my masters in social work in the new year, 2023. I crave some changes that I am not prepared to speak to. I have alternatively be very careful, tread lightly at first, and not take on too much too quickly. I have started going to church again. This for one makes my heart so happy. Jason even came to the last RCIA meeting at our local Catholic Church and the girls began religious education. I started the process of lax referree. I know I am done giving so much of my time to various organizations. If I give time, I will decide when and where.

Now, I know all of this sounds like a lot, again I cannot make all of this a reality. The excitement is that I haven’t ever had this level of understand of self before. Now I can begin to heal from various traumas in my life. Now I can identify and separate when I am giving too much of myself. Now I can say NO, that is too much. But that is my decision and mine only. I will be okay with myself soon. In the meantime, hang tight because Sarbear is coming out! I will learn to truly love and respect myself. And be okay with what I have, not trying to fix the world and everyone around me. But..to focus that energy inward and fix me, myself and I.

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