Tuesday 8/27/24 is my surgery date. My bariatric surgeon, Dr. Eli will perform a R-NY gastric bypass. The past three weeks I have been on a liquid diet in preparation for the surgery, and have lost close to 20 pounds from that. I am not nervous. I am extremely hopeful and relieved to have this surgery. My nutrition and mental health issues have been managed to some degree in the past. I only hope that with this surgery some of my unhealthier habits such as binging or impulse control and be better maintained over time. I intend to not use the surgery as a crutch or way to get the weight off. I hope to be more self monitoring and aware of what goes inside my body. This coupled with the physical restrictions of the surgery, I am certain this is my best option of surgical intervention.

I have always been an athlete, This is one reason I hope to stave off future weight gain. I have run marathons, I have played collegiate lacrosse, coached, and enjoy lifting at the gym. What has historically been unmanageable was my emotional eating, binge eating, purging at times, impulse control. I have yo-yo-ed in my weight since I was a teenager. In high school I ran cross country and played lacrosse. That kept my weight somewhat managed, yet I still managed to lack the nutritional awareness. In college, I put on a freshman 15 or 20. I continued gaining. I developed an eating disorder of bulimia and binge eating. Senior year I began to run races again. I slimmed down and went out of state for my first job out of college. This endeavor proved to be disastrous, my weight was lower, however within the time of accepting treatment for my bi-polar disorder in 2007, medications contributed to gaining weight back. I continued to binge and purge. I continued to gain while staying at a manageable weight. I continued running, racing my first marathon in 2009. My diet was out of control, though I continued. After meeting Jason and moving cross country, I kept my weight somewhat steady, kept exercising. In 2011 we married and a couple months later I was pregnant with Ella. After her birth, I maintained all of the baby weight. We moved to New Jersey, and soon after became pregnant with Hazel, already at a higher weight, and after delivery of Hazel I weighed my highest at 310 lbs. I became determined to get it off. In the span on 1.5 years I lost 150 lbs solely from diet and exercise. However, my mental and emotional health suffered, I was still occasionally binging or purging. I was obsessively exercising 2-3 hours daily. I was unhealthy. Then the weight crept on again in 2019 from an foot injury working out. I gained continuously with the inactivity through covid and afterwards. One good thing, is that I let go of the purging at this time. I even to a degree let go of the bingeing.

So why is this the way to go, For me personally I am tired of the increased health risks I am experiencing at this weight. The joint pain, the foot aches, the risk for diabetes. I am certain that I can keep my emotional health in check in a more healthy way, so that my nutrition takes a front row seat, rather than my impulses. Having the physical restriction to not eat as much, but to eat more frequently is something I think I can easily conquer. Some have said why this surgery, why not keep dieting, look how well you’ve done. Because I know my body and I know I refuse to gain weight again. (Yes I have said this in the past when losing enormous amounts of weight, I have given away entire larger wardrobes in the past). However, this time it is different because I have this reminder that yes the surgery will help me drop the weight quickly… it will not necessarily help me keep it off. I know that part is up to me. What is different this time. Is that my mindset is altered, my self-awareness is keener and on point, more than ever before. When I feel myself sliding, I know what I need to do to fix it.

8/26/24 Monday, 4am. I currently weigh 301.4 lbs. My highest a few weeks ago was 319.00 lbs. I admittedly indulged before the liquid diet began three weeks ago with a some last alcoholic drinks, steak dinners, candy, chips, all the things that I wont be able to eat or drink for a long time. While it was glorious, it wasn’t life altering, and I don’t feel like I will be missing out entirely. Just adjusting to a different lifestyle.

Today, as my best friend Paige would say, is my last day with a functional stomach. She also expects the surgery to fail a couple years out and I’ll gain weight back that was lost from this. She says, Sarah you can diet and keep your stomach, you’ve gone three weeks without food, why not continue a limited calorie deficit. She can’t wait to say I told you so when I gain it back. (She’s fucking with me at this point) She is playing devils advocate, I know she cares and supports me, it’s just in her own Paige way. Others have been supportive, although Jason keeps asking me if I am sure I want to do this. LFG. Let’s fucking go. I am ready. I can’t wait to prove Paige wrong, that this surgery is something I chose and want to do. And to all the haters, I hope one day I can say: I told you I could do it, you messed with the wrong sexy beast.

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