Well, I am making strides to do so. Some friends and family know that I was struggling with my mental health recently Aug-Sept. I have felt more balanced and generally more focused lately than before. With some perspective I know that I was hypomanic moving into full blown mania during those weeks, accompanied with high anxiety and chronic pain. This isn’t the first bipolar rodeo. I have had severe breaks before. Namely the first being in 2006-2007 in the early adult onset, and again immediately after delivery of Ella in 2012. Both of these episodes were extremely de-habilitating. So much in fact, it took me years to regain my sense of identity, confidence and to recover. When I think back to these times, I also underwent a series of hospitalizations. Which only added to my traumatic life experiences. In between and after these experiences I always did what was expected, laid low, took my medication as prescribed, and hoped for a better tomorrow every day.

This time around was different. I did not require hospitalization. I had some extra motivation, whether it was a combination of my family and work, but maybe something else. I knew what I didn’t want to happen. I refused to accept weeks hospitalized or years spent recovering my mind and body again. I continued taking my meds, I did my best to rest at night. I continued outpatient therapy, working for NAMI Jax, doing various obligations at home and for the kids schedules. But there was something different about this last episode. I had a degree of self-awareness that might’ve helped prevent the alternatives. I advocated for treatment, coordinated with my medical team. My psychiatrist I met with more frequently than normal, and we tweaked various medications, adding a atypical anti-psychotic and adjusting others. My therapist continued to meet with me throughout and admittedly she is amazing. At first when I began therapy with her over the summer I was very resistant, especially facing traumatic events of my life. Even a few months ago I was shutting out and down various emotions. Now I welcome it. I am not completely there yet, But progress….progress is happening. My end goal is to get that groove all the way back.

In the midst of all the crazy, I made the decision to quit smoking. I am nearly three weeks into quitting. Seriously, beating this addiction is fucking hard. I spent years upon years as a heavy smoker. The decision was not for anyone else, but for me this time around. I chose to make changes. This was one of the first major changes. Once I get a month or so smoke-free, I hope to jump back into weight loss. I don’t adult well, so handling multiple changes together gets my anxious tendencies going.

So you might be wondering, you might not…how Sarah are you handling life now? I am finding the joy in the small things I have for too long forgotten. Music. It’s always been therapeutic and necessary. Now I find myself enjoying more time just being by myself, meditating maybe, doing a random stretch or yoga move. Being ok with being ok. Not putting too many extra demands on myself. Finding time to read, or journal, even if only having a few minutes to do so. Also, reconnecting with my faith. This is something in the back of my head that I have always yearned to find. It is alittle more challenging with the kids at church, especially toting a mischievous 5 year old around the church. I will try to be consistent with it, as my faith was so important to me growing up and especially as a young adult. Believing in myself and having faith that life will work its way out is incredibly gratifying. I am singing again. I am not the best, but grew up in choirs, and always yearned for that moment in the spotlight. As a young adult, I would frequent karaoke on fridays which is where I met my husband. Guess what? I have found a little hole-in-the-wall spot to keep singing karaoke. I will not stop singing. Finally, I will do my best to live by my life’s motto, and not give a sh*t what other have to say about it. That motto, “I AM A SEXY BEAST”

Xoxoxoxoxo, —SG/SEASCAPE

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