My bestest friend on the planet suggested that I blog about what it is like, living and functioning with my bipolar 1 disorder. What I experience, how my behavior might fluctuate, how I respond to others, what I am thinking. How difficult it is for me to function or expected to be rather, high functioning. People seem to forget that I had and arguably still have a mental health disability. In our society, there are expectations to perform, to hide that darker part of yourself. Oh I’m sorry that you are struggling, someone might say, and awkwardly change the subject. Do you want to know what is like? I wake up every weekday at 5 am, feed the dog and take my morning meds. I take Lithium, a life altering drug that has been my baseline drug for nearly 20 years, and other meds, an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. After taking my meds on most days I pack my work belongings and outfit, change into gym clothes and drive to the gym. From the gym I hit up Panera Bread and use my “Sip Club” to get my ice tea and coffee for the day. I go to work either at the office (courthouse) or work from home. I work 8-10 hour shifts. Come home and switch to grad school work in the evenings for an hour or two a couple nights a week. I fit in any time in can in the evening with my family, the weekends especially I look forward to lots of family time. That is the skeleton of what my day looks like.

In between during the day, I struggle with occasional thoughts of paranoia, if I have a strange conversation or notice something off in my vision. I have to try really hard to negate the these paranoid thoughts or otherwise negative feelings, and have developed different strategies to make sure I shake them off. I get stressed and anxious like any other person, but with my diagnosis in addition to my Generalized Anxiety disorder and PTSD diagnoses, stress hits harder. I might have something that triggers a memory, a fleeting word even in conversation. I actively keep myself from falling into a rabbit hole by countering that memory with a tangible grounding mechanism. Usually scents or lotions have a calming effect and can bring me back to reality. So I keep perfume in my purse, lotion accessible everywhere, especially in my car. I also am a former smoker of 20+ years. Stress can easily trip those receptors in my brain for the urge to smoke. Although I have been “smoke free” for almost a year now. My biggest vice of my disease is my impulsivity. It has led to debt, relationship issues, and much much more than I care to get into. I wish above all symptoms I exhibit that I could find a way to tame this one.

I am susceptible to mood changes of course, whether dips low or high. With the assistance of the medications my lows and highs are not as severe. However they do occur, and they are incredibly de-habilitating when they hit, even in the mellower medicated state of mind. When mania hits, which tends to be more dangerous for me, I talk at a pressured, heightened pace, my thoughts rapidly fire through my head, I become incessantly impatient. When this happens I have ways to curb it, one of which is increasing my Maitenance med, the antipsychotic, and I feel the cooling effect of the drug working in my brain. I have my shut off med, my as-needed anti-anxiety med that chills me the fuck out enough to function at a slower pace IF I really need it. Beyond this medication solution, I write, journal, do my best to get out of my own head, or will dive into a book or veg out and watch a show. I don’t watch much tv these days, but if I am feeling this way, watching something familiar is helpful. Such as, a familiar Disney movie or a show, like Friends or Seinfeld. These familiar things are predictable, and when my brain misfires, the less risk of paranoia, the better. What does depression look like, for the outsider looking in, I liken it to having a mental paralysis. You tell your body to move and it wont. You hope that you can get out of bed but you can’t. I can’t describe how frustrating it is, even for a relatively motivated person like me, to be unable to function. What my more mellow depression looks like, is court reports not getting done on time or not getting things accomplished around the house. I know this sounds minuscule, but as stated my mania or “hypo mania” is historically more dangerous and challenging for me.

I hate labeling myself as a stereotype, of someone who is mentally ill. But that is my reality. I avoid in a way and try to mask my symptoms at times. I am human and I cope however I make it work for me in the moment. Maybe it is more healthy to remember my limitations, my condition and embrace it more. I certainly don’t shy away from a conversation about it—but would I scream it from the rooftops….hell no…would you? I am not my illness..I am Sarah Ellen, Sarbear, Seascape…and I refuse to be defined by it. It is part of me that I cannot cure or underestimate either. I hope you have a better picture of what it looks like to live with this. Is it possible to live a “normal” life? NO. Can I live the life I used to only dream about? HELL YES I CAN. Do I believe I am doing my best at living the life I’ve always wanted? BET.

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