2021, a year of reflection. Change. Acceptance. Perseverance. Dissent. Protestation. For years I have been my own advocate. For years I struggled. My own positive values have been shook. I find myself looking around and grasping for air. Fifteen-Twenty years ago I was in denial that anything in my life was abnormal. I held onto whatever control I had and continued to mentally run the other direction. I threw every ounce into myself into whatever I could to not cope with unknown mental health symptoms. I self medicated with cigs, alcohol and drugs. My senior year of college while working on my Senior Thesis Project (SMP), I had a maximum page limit of 40 pages for the History Dept. My thesis was 123 pages long. None of this seemed unusual to me, I was the overachiever, the goofball, the dramatic one. What I refused to see in 2006, was my diagnosis of Bi Polar I disorder.

I ran. Two states away in fact, to Rocky Mount North Carolina. The bad habits continued, I stole. Got Caught. I fought, HARD. I continued to self medicate. I started to hit new lows that hardly wish to remember. I was homeless, I rotated in and out of jails and psychiatric units. My family brought me back to Maryland. I struggled more, I continued to fight my reality. Until a day came upon me after my third active suicide attempt. Christmas 2007. I accepted. Not all at once. I stopped fighting the same way. I accepted the idea of recovery as a process. That I would still have my bad days. I made peace with myself and with others in my life. Life improved. I met my husband, Jason Grant in 2009. We traveled, our family grew, and we continued the military family life. We’re there still difficult times, yes of course. Did I always have it together, hell no. I tried.

Fast forward to the new decade of 2020/2021. I am finally , finally putting to rest certain coping mechanisms that I held onto for years. Smoking. God I love smoking. This for sure has been the hardest to keep at bay. Drinking, while I will never refuse a cold glass of Prosecco, my days of this have come to a not so shiny end as well. I ultimately want to do whatever I can to ensure the rest of my life here is bountiful, and about finding new ways to cope.

Certain things around me, have prevented me from feeling this achievement, which is at about a month for both habits. All of this self reflection on acceptance, what it means to truly and whole-heartedly believe and trust that you are taking the right path. I can no longer deal with certain aspects of negativity. Maybe the world is sick, brain-washed, completely unethical. I can tell you one thing, I will live in it. I will fight for those maltreated, misunderstood, yes even the ones who protest. Denial may be untangible, I hope to assist others cut through this thick forest. The minute I accepted change, the change happened. Slowly yes. But it will, have a little faith in the unknown and be willing to try.

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